Bros, brahs, bruhs, hombres, hermanos, and whatever other languages are out there (I only know English and Spanish so my lexicon is limited). No, I’m not talking about your blood-related siblings; I’m talking about the spurious clan of males that dominate most gyms across the globe.
Don’t get me wrong, being a “bro” isn’t the worst thing in the world, and in many ways the bodybuilding subculture should actually be grateful for the lessons learned from countless years of “broscience”. Heck, when I first got into weight lifting I did pretty much everything like a bro.
So rather than write an article condemning this controversial caste of individuals, I figured it would be more entertaining to dabble in ways to decipher whether or not what you’re doing is making you a bro or not. This should be handy if you’re trying to avoid being a bro, or contrarily, if you’re looking to be the newest member of the bro tribe (they welcome most any male individual with open arms from what I can tell).
Obviously not everything on the forthcoming list is completely serious so lighten up a bit before you get sent into a heated rampage over your degree of bro-ness (or lack thereof). With that being said, enjoy the following list of 50 things that make you a bro, bro:
You know you’re a bro if…
1. …You follow workouts suggested by typical bodybuilding magazines.
2. …You wake up in the middle of the night to drink a protein shake for fear of losing muscle.
3. …You don’t even lift but still ask others if they even lift.
4. …You wear long pants with a sleeveless tee to cover up your scrawny legs and show off your “broceps”.
5. …You wear DJ-style headphones while you train.
6. …You designate your meals by number instead of traditional terms like breakfast, lunch, dinner, etc.
7. …You text and/or talk on the phone in between sets.
8. …Your leg day consists exclusively of machine exercises.
9. …You have a day dedicated solely to abdominal training.
10. …You need a pre-workout supplement before you train.
11. …You wear bodybuilder posing trunks during training.
12. …You base who you listen to solely on how a person looks.
13. …You base who you listen to solely on a person’s educational background.
14. …You believe whey protein can't be used in food/baking because it “denatures the protein”.
15. …You think creatine is a steroid.
16. …You think creatine is bad for the kidneys.
17. …You scream “Yea budday!” while you lift.
18. …You wear a lifting belt during pretty much any exercise that doesn’t even involve your core.
19. …You wear lifting gloves.
20. …You find it absolutely imperative to drink a precise 2:1 carbohydrate-to-protein shake within 5 minutes of finishing your workout.
21. …You have someone spot you on bicep curls.
22. …You’re a Caucasian male brought up in a middle/upper-class family from the suburbs that wears sleeveless tees in the gym to show off his tribal tattoo (which signifies your otherwise non-existent Native American heritage to the fullest).
23. …You talk to yourself in a conceited manner during your sets—“Yea, squeeze it, c’mon, one more rep.”
24. …You wear Abercrombie/Hollister/American Eagle clothing in the gym.
25. …You think pro-hormones are “hardcore” supplements.
26. …You think steroids automatically transform you into He-Man.
27. …You buy your supplements at a certain 3-lettered franchise store (think about it, you’ll figure it out).
28. …You train hung over.
29. …You think pre-training sex will “ruin your gains”.
30. …You have UFC/MMA logo tattoos.
31. …You wear sunglasses in the gym.
32. …You believe certain exercises can actually “etch detail” into and “tone” muscles.
33. …You train solely to get a “pump”.
34. …You think your body will randomly start catabolizing muscle if you train for longer than 60 minutes.
35. …You train your calves but never your quads or hamstrings.
36. …You think eating fish will “thin your skin”.
37. …You think volume trumps intensity.
38. …You bench on Mondays (like the rest of the world).
39. …You do lat pull-downs instead of pull-ups or chin-ups.
40. …You go to the gym just to ogle fitness chicks.
41. …You wear a mouth guard while lifting weights.
42. …You pose in the mirror in between sets.
43. …You use a neck pad on the bar during squats.
44. …You assume everyone with a halfway decent physique is on steroids.
45. …You assume everyone with a halfway decent physique is natural (i.e. drug-free).
46. …You think Metallica is as hardcore as rock music gets.
47. …You carry pre-packed Tupperware full of chicken breast and rice everywhere you go.
48. …You eat every 3 hours on the dot.
49. …You carry a gallon jug of water with you everywhere.
50. …You don’t eat whole eggs because of their cholesterol content.