It has been said countless times that "squats are king." Quite frankly, I am tired of hearing this nonsense. Not only are barbell squats the most dangerous exercise on the planet, but they also don't hold a candle to leg presses for overall leg mass. We all know this.
With this reality in mind, let's take a look at 7 other reasons why you should never squat.
Reason #1 - The Smith machine is more efficient
The Smith machine allows you to squat in a straight line. Barbell squats do not follow a fixed path. Why is this important? Simple:
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
Nothing more needs to be said. It's geometry and science! Smith machines are scientifically proven to be more efficient.
When an exercise is more efficient, it's more effective and safer. Simple.
Reason #2 - No one cares about lower body size anyway
Really, no one cares about leg size. Hang your arms out the window of a car and everyone notices. Hang your legs out the window, and well...you just look like an idiot.
Have you ever seen a "welcome to the wheel show" t-shirt? Nope, and you never will. Welcome to the gun show, bro!
Tom Platz aside, leg size is simply not cool. Who wants their quads to balloon up while they maintain the same size waist? This makes it darn near impossible to find jeans and pants that fit. You know how it goes...you have to purchase pants to fit your legs, but they end up being 3 sizes too large for your waist.
The result? Pants on the ground. Pants on the ground. Looking like a fool with your pants on the ground.
Reason #3 - You can't text while squatting
You can't text while squatting, but on leg extensions you can. Bro, what good is a workout if you can't instantly post updates of your epic, 17 minute sets on Facebook?
Heck, I've seen dudes sit at the leg extension station for an entire hour texting...and texting...and texting, all the while performing 2,000 reps with "only" 10 pounds. Not only is this a great workout, but you can also multitask and chat on Facebook.
Even though this is an insanely low weight, the amount of volume you are performing is intense. Think about it: 2,000 reps multiplied by 10 pounds equals 20,000 total pounds of work. That's crazy, bro! Crazy!
You would have to perform nearly 150 reps of squats using 135 pounds each to reach that volume level. No one in their right mind would try this. It's way too much work.
Reason #4 - Quarter squats are more impressive
Forget deep squats. Quarter squats allow you to utilize more weight.
In addition, quarter squats are anterior chain dominant. For those of you keeping score at home, this means that they work the front side of your body more heavily. Duh! Isn't this what you want from a quads exercise anyway?
You aren't squatting to build a bigger posterior chain. Who wants massive hamstrings and a big old butt anyway? I sure don't.
A leg exercise should...well...work your quads. If you're going to squat at all, avoid deep squats and stress your quads with some anterior-heavy quarter squats. Gainz!
Reason #5 - Squats reduce libido
There is this notion that squats do everything from cure cancer to spike your testosterone levels. This is false. We all know what happens after a brutal squat session. All we want to do is eat and sleep.
This urge to rest is a sign of a bigger problem. If you have lost all desire to...well...do "other things," it's almost a given that your testosterone levels and libido have sunk like the Titanic.
Reason #6 - No spot, no squat
It's hard enough to find someone at the gym that actually knows how to deep squat. With that said, do you really want half-squatters and quarter-squatters spotting you when you are trying to go ass to grass?
No, and no.
Squats are dangerous enough without adding an inept spotter into the equation. You are already risking your knee, lower back and spine health. If this isn't bad enough, you are asking for more trouble by allowing a "newb" to spot you. Do you want to worry that a rookie spotter might potentially touch the bar as you try to lock out that 185 pound squat PR. No way.
Reason #7 - Squats make you slow
Lower body mass makes you bulky and slow. We all know that.
Being muscle bound is a good thing if you have no interest in being athletic. Do any of us really want to slow down with age? I certainly don't.
Add to this equation a withering lower back and knees, and you have become a human turtle.
April Fools! If you've read this far and thought these were legit reasons, sorry. We were messing with you.
The first reason I was like “ok, maybe I can see that” but when it said “you can’t text and squat at the same time” I knew this was BS. So, I Immediately sent this to my buddy that owns a gym lol.
Omg I was going to say holy cow are they nuts or what lol! I called BS after the first sentence lol!
I was so sad for a long time, then I read the bullshit about quarter squats and I was like "Either M&S let the WORST gym kid ever make articles or.... yep it's a joke" lol, good one.
It's not even april and I just got done by this article haha.
I actually can't do squats because the hurt the shit out of my knees. Same with leg presses. But I can do absolutely anything else with no knee pain what so ever. All my life my back and my knees have just hated squats.
There's 5 minutes I will never get back.
These reasons suck i squat 315 as a freshmen i get complimented on my legs all the time
This was a good one! ROTFLMAO!! Smith machine better!!
That scared me for a second! lmao
Man!!!! And I thought this would get me out of squatting, which my son is great at!!!!! He keeps cracking up at me at the squat rack :)
I was on the verge of protesting this site
I was gonna say, what an idiot!
I was about to post about how much I disagree with you until I seen reason #3. Then I was pretty sure this had to be a joke. LOL good article.
already knew it ever since i read the titlle :)
I was shattered there for a while
I'm so glad I got to the end! I almost didn't! All I could think was "What half-ass new guy did they let get ahold of their computers?" All credibility would have been lost lol. Congratulations, nobody else has managed to actually get me with an April Fool's joke this year. Good times!
O god I thought the world was ending
First time on this site and i thought you are serious... :)
U had me going ! Lol
You cant squat with your phone. Cracked me up lmao!
oh shit,i got prank actually=.=
LOL i'm almost believe om u :v Aaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh, Go on Squat :p
Yall got me I was hoping is true cuz I have back pain
Ha! I was getting a lil ticked off reading this. Got me good.
You got me good. I was like, "WTF is this guy talking about??? What a d bag." Lol. Thanks for the laugh.
I was getting furious for a sec. This was the best joke of the day by far
You fooled me! Glad it's a joke. :)
You fooled me! Glad it's a joke. :)
I read number 2 and was like yeaaa im gonna go to the bottom this has to be april fools joke haha
i waa getting ready to angrily troll and trash talk but then i loled when i saw it was a joke...got me
For me I squat on smith cause I have some problems with my middle back and lower spine but I started to feel something is not correct in the FB part and the leg out of window but a nice try and by the way Steve I like your workouts very much
You probably have a bad back because you squat in the smith machine. It certainly won't help.
Its all the truth
Its the truth
Nice one got me good_scare :-)
well f*** u... u guys got me n reason 5 really shakes me badly :D
Ohhhh I ...just ....wow lol the whole thing I'm like ummmmmmmmmmmm
Do squats really make you slower? LOL
My face was priceless as I was reading
Smith Machine was fine but rest made me believe I need to leave this website soon :P
Nice one though !!
LMAO "Bro" you had me going there pretty good. I started to get kind of irritated reading it until you smacked with the "hey ya dummie, we gotcha!"
LOL I was like who the hell wrote this bullshit hahahahhaha
I do sissy squats on smith machines
who wants leg size anyway?! much rather just text during my entire workout. selfies on the leg press , selfies selfies selfies
I understood the smith machine- but everything else was kinda funny
You guys suck..
Ohhhhh just noticed the joke...Xaxaxaxaxaaaxa scared me for a while...LMFAO!!!!
hahahahaaa that's what I thought so after no.3 ...
This keeps getting better every year and as last year this made me laugh out. I keep wondering what peoples responses would have been if the conclusion had been skipped. Anyway keep up the good work